Couples Therapy Might Be Helpful If…

Written By Shae Schartner

1. You and your partner

continuously engage in

harmful patterns or cycles

Identifying that you are repeatedly engaging in the same argument loops is a huge first step. However, just because you have identified this does not mean that changing the cycle is simple. A couples therapist can work with you to slow down the pattern through helping you each process thoughts and feelings related to your experiences during each step of the cycle, and through carefully guiding both of you to be vulnerable with each other about these thoughts and feelings. This mutual emotional processing and vulnerability can help to build understanding and compassion for each other. With this new insight about your own emotional experiences and your partner’s emotional experiences, a couples therapist can then help you to disrupt the old patterns and to create new patterns that consider each of your emotional experiences.

2. You and your partner

commonly use the “Four

Horsemen” Behaviors

The Gottman Method for Couples Therapy outlines four harmful approaches that many couples use in conflict. The Four Horsemen include:

  • Criticism: Judging your partner and pointing out their flaws

  • Defensiveness: Blaming your partner and avoiding personal accountability

  • Contempt: Expressing harsh insults, belittling your partner, or acting hostile and angry

  • Stonewalling: Shutting down, avoiding communication, refusing to problem solve together

If you recognize these behaviors in yourself or your partner, a couples counselor can help you to address these patterns through implementing the “antidotes” to these four horsemen, which are also outlined by the Gottman Method.

3. There has been a

significant disruption

or betrayal in the

relationship, and you are

both willing to work on it

Key words: You are both willing to work on it. Many couples find themselves wondering if the relationship is past the point of repair after a major disruption or betrayal, such as infidelity. If both partners are committed and dedicated to addressing the disruption and making the relationship work, a couples therapist can absolutely help you with trying to repair the relationship. Sometimes, confronting a significant disruption prevents the couple from continuing to avoid the ongoing issues within the relationship, which oftentimes have been occurring since long before the disruption. Finally addressing these concerns out in the open can contribute to the relationship becoming even stronger than it was before the disruption occurred.

4. You and your partner

cannot agree or compromise

on a major decision

A couples therapist can help you to fully explore each perspective, to engage with dialogue rather than arguments about the tough topic, and to get really creative about what problem solving and compromise can look like. The Gottman Method provides a lot of resources for therapists that are assisting couples with moving through “gridlocked conflict.”

5. Past trauma is popping

up and affecting the

relationship dynamics

It is very common for people to have intense emotions, thoughts, and behaviors as a response to past trauma. Of course, it can be confusing and hurtful when these intense trauma responses occur within the context of a relationship. When trauma is affecting a relationship, individual therapy and couples therapy can complement each other very well- The individual therapist can help one partner with processing traumatic memories and regulating their nervous system, while the couples therapist can help to disrupt and change the patterns within the relationship that the trauma has impacted.

6. You and your partner

cannot agree on politics

You are not alone- Tons of couples struggle with this! A couples counselor can help you and your partner to have these conversations in an emotionally regulated and safe way. In therapy, you and your partner might be able to identify and explore thoughts and feelings not only about politics, but also related to the ways that your communication about politics impacts feelings of trust and safety within the relationship. Together, you can work toward creating a new “normal” for addressing political conversations as a couple. A counselor can also provide assistance with identifying shared values and hopes for the future that are oftentimes below the surface in heated conversations about current events.

7. You know that you

have different attachment

styles, but you don’t

know what to do

with this information

There is a huge misconception that if you have an avoidant or anxious attachment style, you are stuck with this for life. What is actually true is that we can all work toward building secure attachments. Over time, a couples therapist can try to help you and your partner to be securely attached to each other through helping you to create trust, vulnerability, responsiveness, availability, and consistency within the relationship.

 

Hello! My name is Shae, and I am a licensed clinical social worker. I provide individual therapy and couples therapy. I can do in-person appointments in Green Bay, WI or telehealth appointments across the state of Wisconsin.

I love working with people that are experiencing life adjustments, relationship concerns, stress, anxiety, and trauma symptoms. I am trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Brainspotting Phases I and II. I have a graduate certificate in trauma-informed care.

I love what I do- Being trusted with others’ most vulnerable and intimate thoughts, emotions, challenges, and relationships is a huge honor to me. I aim to help all of the people I work with feel safe, listened to, and understood. I look forward to helping you feel more peace and connection within yourself and your relationships! Please send me a call, text, or email for a free 15-minute consult to see if we would be a good fit.

Phone: 920-309-6818

Email: shae@tiplercounseling.com

Click here to see more info on my website.

Shae Schartner